I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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