Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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