There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
