I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
