The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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