It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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