I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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