I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
