i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
