then he tried to convert me to islam
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I didn't notice because vodka
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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