No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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