Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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