im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
