apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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