Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need to sanitize my soul.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
