Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
