remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
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the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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