Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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