No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dating After Heartbreak
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool