Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
