Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
