i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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