He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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