were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
this boner is exhausting
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
