How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I did not marry a roomba.
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