I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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