I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
