So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
