I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
