the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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