idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
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As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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