i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
