I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I AM VODKA MAN
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
