We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
