you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
