Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
