You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
