seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
