Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
