Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.