i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
