I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
