Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We are two peas in an std pod
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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