we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i think i just lost a toe
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
