My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
