i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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