Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?