rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
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It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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