I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
