Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
