he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
