sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
