I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
