Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
